Firstly, I blame this whole situation on targeted marketing. All I keep seeing are ads to things that I want, or even things I already have (Which is why I now own three bikes).

Is this my fault? Yes. I should exhibit more self control. I don’t need three bikes. I don’t even need two, as much as I might argue the benefits of having a single-speed AND a ten-speed. I should really save my money for something huge and substantial, like deep dish rims for my xB.

Ironically, the other night I was on Amazon to pay off my credit card when I saw this little gem staring at me like “duck fat fries” on a menu.

 Here’s what happened:

• I had a few beers in me
• Posted to Facebook asking that someone please stop me (Proof that I instantly saw this as a mistake)
• Immediately purchased before anyone could comment.

I would dare opine that spontaneity was the culprit, but…

Here’s what would have happened anyway:

• I would have been sober and seen the ad.
• Read the ad details over and over again as if priming my consumer-cock to release an unparalleled online shopping orgasm.
• Saved it in my shopping cart, Pocket, and bookmarks bar, while also texting Matt Whitlock* about it.
• Got drunk later
• Immediately purchased (probably sloppily through my phone)

Either way I was fucked, and still am if we assume this behavior goes past this Dragon Ball Z dvd, to which my Bulls jacket and third bike can attest.

Luckily in this instance, the angels of Facebook were awake at midnight.

I cancelled the order immediately.

This was the best possible scenario. This DVD set is 11 hours of a show that I’ve failed to watch more than ten minutes of in the last 10 years. The worst part is that I know once I got it I would remove it from the plastic without any intention of watching it at that moment. It would remain wherever I laid it for months, after having being raped of the disappointing paper insert I would later leave on the desk to be ruined by bends and beer.

This was my fate if I had listened to Matt Whitlock and Mike Luciano.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Social Media can be a really powerful thing-

 Play before continuing

Suddenly a sniper bullet smashes through him from behind. His head thuds down on the keyboard, publishing the blog. No one would ever know that his last statement was ironic. They would never know who he really was. By coincidence, friends and family would go through his old email and find out that he had never cancelled the Amazon order.

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Joe Cabello

[column][/column][column]Joe Cabello is a writer/improviser residing in Los Angeles, California best known for hosting Hot Improv Nights, as well as exclusively using the same Krysten Ritter gif for blogs. His work can also be found on LongshotImprov.com and black-box theaters all across Los Angeles. Years later a rare flesh-eating virus will be diagnosed too late for treatment and his friends and family will watch as he slowly disintegrates physically and mentally.[/column][/column-group]