Celebrity can be fleeting. Look at Lada Gaga. There’s nothing edgy about what she’s doing now. It’s clownish, and I frankly don’t want that to happen to Miley. I want Miley to continue this upward climb of edgy, free spiritedness so she can be around for my kids.
That’s why I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about and planning what Miley Cyrus should do next to stay hip:
Intentionally Contract Herpes Simplex 2
In Brandon Cronenberg’s dystopian film, Antiviral, corporations sell injections of live viruses harvested from sick celebrities to obsessed fans. In the opening scene a fan injects their lip with a celebrity’s herpes virus.
Much like Cronenberg’s film, Miley Cyrus could purposefully inject herself with a fashionable virus like genital warts. It’s just undesirable enough to be edgy while still having sex appeal. This will give a lot more impact if she wants to do a call-back to grinding the foam finger on her privates. If it spreads to her mouth think about how cool she’ll look with her tongue stuck out with a cold sore dangling above it.
Solve the Syrian Crisis or Make it Worse
We can all safely assume that Miley is not in tune with the Syrian crisis. That’s exactly what makes this a maverick move. Miley somehow interjects herself in a way that isn’t annoying, awkward, and quasi-racial, and somehow brings peace to Syria.
Or she can make it terribly worse which might actually be a bigger, better move.
Manslaughter
Not that I am for someone dying, but Miley Cyrus’ career could go a long way with a manslaughter case. She’d of course need to be declared innocent, but chances are in her favor. Something involving a motor vehicle would work best. Critics and haters will be quick to jump on alcohol and drug use, but her tampered toxicology reports will come up clean.
Miley doesn’t need drugs to kill someone.
Have Sex with a Fart
This falls perfectly in line with Miley’s newly adopted sexual nature. While simply sleeping around is not edgy, choosing the right ‘partner’ can make the difference between obscurity and new found levels of celebrity.
No one would be very surprised if she started dating the normal taboos. With her accessorizing of black people, we all expect her to date a black guy, so that wouldn’t be an edgy move. Any ‘bad boy’ type could be seen coming from a mile away as well. What she needs to do is fuck a fart. Literally have sex with flatulence. How does she do this? That’s up to Miley, but I’m sure it starts with a provocative Instagram picture of her laying wasted on a couch with said Fart.
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#TeamMiley