Originally published on Kresnik.org
This past President’s Day weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Sequoia National Park with my girlfriend, Claire. The great thing about nature is that it’s really hard to enjoy without being drunk or high. That’s the great thing about Claire too, so I expected it to be a great trip. This was one of our many romantic trips together in the year we’ve been together. Sometimes you feel like you’re going to be with someone forever; then you remember you’re going to die one day and that’s comforting.
I wonder how much dog shit is trapped underneath the snow.
The drive up the mountain pass was full of beautiful, winding turns. Claire must have been really enjoying the sights because she kept yelling at me to slow down. You’d think she would have been happy when the tires blew and we came to a screeching halt at the edge, but she was still upset.
Making your own maps can be more accurate, depending if you’re a good artist or not.
If you’ve never been to Sequoia, there’s really nothing else like it. Except for every other national park. Once you enter your breath gets taken away by all the beautiful sights in the gift shop. They had the greatest walking sticks for only $24.99. Claire said it was a waste of money, but it was totally worth it so I ignored her. I used it for ten minutes until I found an even better one in the woods and threw mine away. How’s that for a deal, Claire?
We were two or three miles into the trail when I started to get really tired. When you think about it, some babies haven’t even walked three miles in their entire lives, so it’s a pretty long distance. How big was this place, anyway? Seems like a waste of space. They could fit a lot of tract housing here. Or a really great McDonalds.
Claire asked if I could smell the redwoods, but all I could smell were the leaves I was burning, so I threw them to the ground. Claire got frustrated and kept yelling about the fire. That’s when I knew she wasn’t paying attention to nature like she should be.
It looks deceptively comfortable to lay your head on. Trust me. Don’t do it.
In February the trails are covered in a light blanket of snow. The weird thing about snow is that it plays tricks on people. Like how it makes them mad at you when you throw it at them, even though it shouldn’t. There was so much snow that I kept kicking it at Claire on accident. I was supposed to be doing it on purpose. Before she could yell at me I burnt some more leaves. It worked! She wasn’t even worried about the snow anymore.
Claire said she wanted to come back when things were in bloom. I said, “Orlando Bloom? He’s here, you know.” She didn’t believe me, which I thought was rude. I was lying, but still. Trust is really important in a relationship.
Spinecone.
The day wasn’t without its accidents. Claire cut her hand while we were throwing pinecones. I helped her as soon as I stopped laughing. She kept saying, “Why were you throwing those at me?” She obviously can’t handle crisis situations. She asked if I had any tissues for the blood. I told her I didn’t.
I did. What would I use if I cut MY hand? As a preemptive measure I wrapped my hands in the tissues and kept them in my pockets. I had to hide them from Claire. My hands got sweaty and ruined the tissue.
Claire forgot her hiking shoes because I forgot to pack them for her.
Further up the trail Claire got scared that there were bears around. I told her it was fine. People had obviously been here recently because we saw their tracks. They were really big and wide. Claire said they were bear tracks. Some people see what they want to see.
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After the bears stopped chasing us we decided to leave. It was getting late and we were tired from our adventure. There’s nothing like running for your life to make you feel like getting the fuck out of dodge.
Claire and I both fell asleep on the ride home, while I was driving. You have to remember that most people in the park are driving just as drowsy, so it’s really not that unsafe. We watched three cars run off a cliff before we ran off ourselves.
We were asked to never come back.