It must have been about 12 weeks since my neighbor John’s divorce. I was pretty sure it was ugly because I hadn’t seen his kids come around much at all – so much so that I started to wonder if they were even his kids.
John had barely left his house in the 12 weeks since Donna had left him. In fact, the only reason I knew he was still alive was from the Domino’s delivery and the late night work he was doing in his garage. I was actually afraid he was building a high quality hanging device. I thought it might be a guillotine, but Google didn’t have “How to build a guillotine for suicide” as a quick search, so I figured it wasn’t that.
My wife Jane was a little disconcerted by my interest in John. She didn’t realize that John and Donna could have easily been me and her. Our kids liked her a lot better too, so they’d probably never want to see me. I don’t really like them that much either, but it’s probably just their age; two, nine, and 14.
I was surprised when I received a call from a very upbeat John. My first thought was that he didn’t sound as miserable as he should, but then I immediately thought how rude that is and I zoned out.
He got my attention when he told me I needed to come over. He wanted to show me something. If it wasn’t for his upbeat tone I’d assume he had chosen me to find his body. I’d be a bad choice though. Once I found a body in the park when I went running. I didn’t say anything about it to anyone because I didn’t want to deal with it, but I made sure to check the news hourly to make sure someone had found it.
I still check to this day.
John looked extremely healthy and vibrant as he greeted me at the door.
“I’m so glad you came. I couldn’t wait to show you.”
Me? We were friendly neighbors, but not much more than that.
“No problem, John. How’s everything else?”
“Game changing.”
He led me through his home, which had actually held up quite nicely other than the yellow stained rectangles where pictures used to hang. It retained a feminine quality to it despite his wife’s absence.
He halted me in his hallway.
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about what I’m about to show you. I just wouldn’t want the neighbors taking advantage of me, or trying to borrow it. You know? Like how you are with your trailer.”
He was referring to the huge falling out I had with our mutual neighbor, Fran. I really wanted to add that Fran had abused his privileges with my trailer and that’s why I’m so protective it, but my thoughts immediately redirected to the stench of naked that had suddenly filled my nostrils. It was the same stench I had smelled when I spent a night in jail for a DUI. All the prisoners had to take a shower when we first got there. Once all 25 men were naked it was as if the room instantly turned into a booming nightclub, only instead of club music or dancing it was the musk of man-skin.
“No problem, John. What is it?”
“I introduce you to my brand new, state-of-the-art robot.”
John stepped out of the way, allowing me to sheepishly step around the corner.
Jesus Christ. There was a naked middle-aged man standing emotionless in the living room.
I immediately turned my head away and covered eyes with my hand. I realized that one of those was a redundant action so I stopped doing both and caught another glimpse of the guy. I decided to continue to do both, just in case.
“John… What’s a naked guy doing in your living room?”
John looked startled for a moment until he peaked into the living room. To him, there was only a robot.
“You scared me. What are you talking about? Here, let me show you what he can do.”
John scurried to the ‘robot’ so I followed. He was so casual about it that I wasn’t sure how to feel. I felt furious about being in the same room as a naked guy like this, but I felt like if I put that on paper it would be homophobic, so I tried to get comfortable. I do a paper test. If I think my feelings would be intolerant or mean-spirited if they were put on paper, I try to change my feelings. I have to change my feelings a lot.
“Looks like I just have to turn him on.”
“Please, listen to what you just said, John.”
That’s when John started stroking the ‘robots’ flaccid penis with the reckless precision of starting a lawnmower. AND IT WAS WORKING.
At this point I was pretty sure what was going to happen next. I was playing with a timebomb, and John was playing with a human penis.
Through my teeth, “Ok, John. That’s really great, but I should get going.”
I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. There was literally no one that I would feel comfortable seeing me in this position. I honestly felt like I was cheating on my wife just being there. This must be why John’s wife left him. Some weird gay, role playing fetish. That thought didn’t pass the paper test so I disregarded it.
“Ah, there we go.”
The robot was ‘turned on’ by this point.
“This is huge. Something like this changes the game. Donna is coming back when she sees what I do with this.”
“Um, excuse me, John?”
“Once I load all the features. This is really going to get my life back on track. You know, I’ve felt a little bit off ever since Donna left. How could I not? Luckily this little guy has kept me sane.”
Oh Jesus. It was cumming.
“Oops! Looks like we got a leak. I’ll have to oil ‘er up!”
I told John I’d be back later as I darted out of the house. He was too busy ‘oiling’ the ‘robot.’ As I left he shouted that I should come over the next day and play ping pong.
I didn’t tell my wife about what happened – other than the ping-pong invite. She suggested I go, considering John’s frail state of mind. I really didn’t like the idea, but I didn’t want to tell her John’s secret.
I ended up going back to John’s the next day and played ping pong with him and his robot. I asked John if he could put clothes on his robot but he never did. John oiled the robots six times that day.