Dear Tyler,
My room is better than yours. Period. And everyone in your 1st grade class knows it. You could literally ask every person on earth and not a single one would choose yours over mine.
There’s no ifs ands or buts about it. My room completely destroys yours.
Where to start… How about THE Millenium Falcon. Have you heard of it? Yeah, well I have one hanging in the corner of my room. AND IT’S 15 FEET WIDE!
That’s not even the best of it. There’s more where that came from, loser.
Let’s talk about the full collection of Street Fighter action figures lining my killer ceiling shelves. They’re awesome and they’re all in box (except for Guile. He’s for playing).
Am I a 32-year-old man? Yes. Did I afford much of this from suing the city library in what the townspeople call a ‘dirtbag case’? Of course I did. I made $125,000 in that case. That’s something you’ll never achieve, Tyler – that and a killer room.
I bet your bed is a shitty spring mattress. My bed hovers, bro. I even asked my mom if I could upgrade to a water bed, and you know what she said? She said “I don’t care. You have to stop this. You’re a grown man.” Point is, she said yes, so in two weeks shipping-time, my room is going to be infinitely better than yours times a hundred (rounding).
It’s not a competition you say? I have to disagree with you there, Tyler. Or, was it not you who said “My room is better than yours!” when your mom (MY friend!) stopped by to pick up the elliptical machine I no longer needed (How fast can you run a 5k, by the way?)?
It’s laughable that you even try. It’s sad and bizarre. May God have mercy on your ten-year-old soul.
Don’t even get me started on your art collection. Nice try. They look like cave-people’s drawings compared to my original Warhol hanging above my soon-to-be waterbed. And they were drawn by you, Tyler, so I guess I was right – they are idiot cave-people drawings.
I’m asking that you finally admit defeat. The smear campaigns are getting exhausting, to be honest. The amount of backlash I’m receiving on the signs and radio ads is astonishing, especially when compared to your crime of complete and utter denial of the truth. I think we can both agree who has the better room, Tyler, and it’s not you. Hopefully you take this as a life lesson and grow from it.
P.S. Let your mom know I’m sorry about the defamatory billboards directed at her, although I think she’s smart enough to understand that they weren’t about her.
[divider top=”no”]