The following events are not an endorsement for Jeff Probst’ death, but rather my exact opinion on how he will die when that time comes. ***** Jeff Probst made sure not to disturb anything as he silently navigated over the broken glass covering his apartment’s living room. If this was a serious break-in, he would need all the…
Author: Joe Cabello
A Non-Erotic, Erotic Fiction
Dave jived alone amid the sea of party-goers, his red, Solo cup acting more like a beacon for “fuck me, I’m desperate,” than a tool for drinking, first invented eons ago. He was an average looking guy, but he had a member fit for a man two inches taller. Unfortunately he didn’t get laid much because he didn’t…
A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel
It was midnight and the Tokyo airlines flight 881 was halfway to Shinai. Taking red eye flights used to be fun until the movie Red Eye came out. Movies have a tendency to ruin things, like how Pretty Woman ruined hookers. Most of them aren’t as nice and charming as Julia Roberts. Some are even guys, which…
I Present You with the Ultimate Anti-Virus Software
If you’re anything like me, you’re not happy with your anti-virus software, and I’m sure we’re not alone. It got me thinking “how can companies get this simple product so wrong?”, so I decided to dig deep to figure out why I wasn’t happy. Sure, they all have the same problems, whether it’s surprise subscription fees, annoying…
Dear Tyler, My Room is Better than Yours
Dear Tyler, My room is better than yours. Period. And everyone in your 1st grade class knows it. You could literally ask every person on earth and not a single one would choose yours over mine. There’s no ifs ands or buts about it. My room completely destroys yours. Where to start… How about THE Millenium Falcon.…
My Neighbor’s Robot
It must have been about 12 weeks since my neighbor John’s divorce. I was pretty sure it was ugly because I hadn’t seen his kids come around much at all – so much so that I started to wonder if they were even his kids. John had barely left his house in the 12 weeks…
Conquering Sequoia: A Travel Essay
Originally published on Kresnik.org This past President’s Day weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Sequoia National Park with my girlfriend, Claire. The great thing about nature is that it’s really hard to enjoy without being drunk or high. That’s the great thing about Claire too, so I expected it to be a great trip.…
We Beat Weekend Update – 5/17/14 (Andy Samberg/St. Vincent)
So often someone will think of a joke then find out it was done, you know, Wednesday night on such-and-such show, so we can’t do it. -Doug Abeles, writer for Weekend Update We Beat Weekend Update! Check out the last episode! Every week Fred Le and Joe Cabello bet $100 on who can beat Saturday…
An Excerpt from “A Subjunctive Courtship”
Taking place in an alternate reality, A Subjunctive Courtship, follows the life of Adolf Hitler if he would have moved to the United States with his mother when he was 5 years old. Instead of becoming the evil man we know him as, he becomes a force of good working for the United States, specifically…
We Beat Weekend Update – 5/10/14 (Charlize Theron/Black Keys)
So often someone will think of a joke then find out it was done, you know, Wednesday night on such-and-such show, so we can’t do it. -Doug Abeles, writer for Weekend Update We Beat Weekend Update! Check out the last episode! Every week Fred Le and Joe Cabello bet $100 on who can beat Saturday…