Dear Tyler, My room is better than yours. Period. And everyone in your 1st grade class knows it. You could literally ask every person on earth and not a single one would choose yours over mine. There’s no ifs ands or buts about it. My room completely destroys yours. Where to start… How about THE Millenium Falcon.…
Category: Fiction
My Neighbor’s Robot
It must have been about 12 weeks since my neighbor John’s divorce. I was pretty sure it was ugly because I hadn’t seen his kids come around much at all – so much so that I started to wonder if they were even his kids. John had barely left his house in the 12 weeks…
An Excerpt from “A Subjunctive Courtship”
Taking place in an alternate reality, A Subjunctive Courtship, follows the life of Adolf Hitler if he would have moved to the United States with his mother when he was 5 years old. Instead of becoming the evil man we know him as, he becomes a force of good working for the United States, specifically…
My Break-up Letter to Liam Hemsworth
Dear Liam, I’m breaking up with you. As much as this hurts, I think we both saw this coming. You have to admit that over the past few months our relationship has been rocky at best. I’ve thought about this for so long, Liam, and I just don’t think this relationship can handle the strain…
An Open Letter to the person who wrote ‘Henri Matisse’ on their Celebrity game card
Celebrity (also known as Celebrities or Lunchbox) is a party game where teams play against each other to guess as many celebrity names as possible before time runs out. -Celebrity (Game): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celebrity_%28game%29 To the person who wrote ‘Henri Matisse’ on their Celebrity game card, Fuck you. No. Just no. Henri Matisse is not a celebrity.…
Conquering Sequoia: A Travel Essay
[dropcap style=”simple” size=”5″]T[/dropcap]his past President’s Day weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Sequoia National Park with my girlfriend, Claire. The great thing about nature is that it’s really hard to enjoy without being drunk or high. That’s the great thing about Claire too, so I expected it to be a great trip. This was…